How does this poem sound?

Behind all the saggy wrinkles and pale skin

Lies years of tales and wisdom within

The lines on her face mark the emotions she felt

The lines by her mouth show her sorrow and guilt

Her hollow eyes have seen too much

Her gravity is heavy against her crutch

Greying of her hair are the signs of her maturity

Not meaning she's lost her wit and integrity

She sits, relinquishing memories of childhood

Needle in my hand, she's not in the mood

Injection in her fleshy vein provides diabetic relief

Though the look on her face is depression and grief

She lays on her bed, heartbeat gradually slipping from my grasp Her eyes are shutting, these moments are her last

Her malleable hands caress my face

I take it away and set it back in its place

The melancholic face tells me shes not herself

This is the conclusion of her health

I place my hand above her still heart

The sound of silence breaks me apart

Behind all the saggy wrinkles %26amp; pale skin

Lies years of youth resting within

How does this poem sound?

Deanna, for a ninth grader, I should say this is a creditable attempt at poetry.

...As you want constructive criticism, that is what I'm giving :

1. You have 'forced' your lines to end in rhyming words, several of which prove incongruous, besides giving your poem a 'overdone' feel.

2. A good poem should tell its story in a simple, continuous and coherent 'sequence'. You have kept jumping to-and-fro, between descriptions to conclusions to evaluations - which gives a feel of listless words, strung together.

...Try tell the old lady's 'story' in order : First describe where you saw her, then what she seemed in your eyes, next how she reacted to your touch, and how it brought an emotional upsurge within you - and prompted you to record it as a poem, for posterity.

It is just a question of rearranging your lines in proper order, while NOT compromising on grammar to 'force' a rhyme.

Dear, you HAVE the potential to be a good poet - or, if I had felt otherwise, I would not have tried to Answer you : Try harder, correct your output as if it were your worst enemy's (!), and make sure that you do not become ungrammatical for the sake of rhyming..,

You are bound to be a success. And my best wishes go with you.

How does this poem sound?

It's beautiful.

How does this poem sound?

Very good!I like it.

How does this poem sound?

its really good!

How does this poem sound?

This is good.

How does this poem sound?

its really good.

How does this poem sound?

My sweet nineth grader, you have a very good talent. only u dont make one long sentence you could have done this

She lays on her bed, hearbeat gradually

Slipping from my grasp, her eyes are shutting

these moments are her last.

Its very touching and heartbreaking, and it is someone in your home, your mother?

Keep writng, have a book of poems and then sign them, dating them until you can have them published.

How does this poem sound?

hi,

i am impressed with your poem... you have written a lovely poem in simple english and while i was reading it ..i felt the life in the poetry...i could feel the dyign person..there no change to be made give it a nice title like

a fragile gift from god: life or anythign of your choice and get it published in a children's magazine i am sure you will win a prize your poem i stouching

goodluck

How does this poem sound?

It's BEAUTIFUL.

but as in format, on "She lays on her bed, heartbeat gradually slipping from my grasp Her eyes are shutting, these moments are her last"

Seperate it.

She lays on her bed

Hearbeat gradually slipping from my grasp

her eyes shutting

these moments are her last